when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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