Just cropdusted the office
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
