I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
