god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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