My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
