Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
