i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
