you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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