i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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