how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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