Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
