How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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