I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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