Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
