There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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