I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
