Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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