I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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