There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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