So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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