im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
