Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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