Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
