hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
