thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
