They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
