Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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