hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
