Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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