Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
