Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
