I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize