i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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