i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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