I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize