Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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