Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
