i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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