she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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