Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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