What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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