I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize