I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
