hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
