Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
