This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
