I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
