I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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