the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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