Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize