First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
