I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sorry about my life...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
