Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
