Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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