My friends, they love my intelligence
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
