i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
