no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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