my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize