how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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