well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
